“The Green Eyed Monster” – Sermon for Genesis 37.1-5, 12-28

Here we go again. The generational saga continues.

Isaac prefers his son Esau. Isaac’s wife, Rebecca, prefers the other son, Jacob. And Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah. 

But did Jacob love all of his 12 children equally?  No. Jacob loved Rachel’s son, Joseph, more than any of his other children.  And all of his children knew it. 

Can you imagine how it would feel to see one of your parents lavish an extraordinary gift on one child  but not the others?  

No wonder Joseph’s brothers were jealous.

When jealousy takes root in our hearts, it can drive an insatiable hunger to see our own star rise and the object of our jealousy fall. Often residing in the unconscious parts of our personality when it takes root, jealousy has a way of clouding our vision of ourselves and others – amplifying our own righteous indignation and diminishing a sense of the other’s worthiness.  It is an insidious energy that can narrow our minds and close our hearts. 

Because few of us want to admit when we feel jealous of someone else – most of us have been taught that jealousy is wrong – we are unlikely to deal with the sense of lack that arises within ourselves when we feel jealous.  Rather than exploring what’s going on inside of ourselves when we feel jealous, like Joseph’s brothers, we tend to blame others for provoking our jealousy.  Intense jealousy can fester in our unconscious, metastasizing into hatred. As it did with Joseph’s brothers, unexamined hatred can become unmoored from morality and even murderous.

When jealousy goes unexplored, relationships can weaken and rupture. In families, conflicts rooted in jealousy often pass from one generation to the next. 

As a child, I knew – without anyone ever having to spell it out – that my father and his only sibling, his sister, Janet, did not get along.  It was clear to me that they were very different people.  She is introverted, highly educated and cultured. My Dad was extremely sociable, had a 2 year degree and preferred playing golf and watching sports over attending the opera or ballet. She married a doctor, he married a telephone operator. 

But, it wasn’t just that they had different personalities,  different interests, and traveled in different circles that seemed to be the source of their cool relationship.  

On a visit to my grandmother when I was an adult, she tried to explain to me why her children didn’t get along.  “When your father was just a little boy, he’d be playing contentedly all by himself.  And his older sister would walk over and crash all his toys.  Your poor father would sit there, crying.  I think his big sister was jealous of the attention I gave him.” 

The jealousy that a child feels when a new sibling comes along may be the oldest, most primal jealousy there is. Poor Joseph had 11 others who were jealous of him!

The estrangement between my father and his sister didn’t end with them.  Because of it, my brother and I rarely saw our cousins.  We didn’t look forward to family gatherings because we could tell my father wasn’t eager to be there, he wasn’t himself.  Unsurprisingly, my brother and I also felt that our grandparents favored our cousins. 

This is the nature of family strife.  If it’s not dealt with it gets passed on.

It’s also the nature of jealousy. If we don’t deal with our feelings of being ignored, slighted, disrespected, or disfavored, we are more likely to carry animus towards the person or people we see as favored.  

“But when his brothers saw that their father loved Joseph more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him.”

But, was it Joseph’s fault that Jacob favored him? 

No! If Joseph’s brothers should have been mad at anyone, it should have been Jacob!

But, most children, especially young children, can not bear the psychic toll of blaming a parent for doing something wrong, like favoring one child over others. (Except, of course teenagers, who believe their parents can’t do anything right!)  

Often, no matter what stage in life we find ourselves, it is much easier to blame the one who is favored than the one doing the favoring. And it is often much easier to take our feelings of being slighted out on the favored one than it is to deal with our feelings. Ugh.

Notice the reaction of some politicians and commentators to the successes of Mayor Mamdani and the senate candidate in Michigan, Dr. Abdul El-Sayed.  Rather than look within and ask, “Why are the voters favoring them and not us?”, it is easier to attack Mamdani and El-Sayed.  

Jealousy clouds our ability to see others clearly. When taken to the extreme, it can be the root of lying, scheming, cruelty, and violence.  It is an energy that often lurks in the shadows of our unconscious.  

It is neither easy nor comfortable to admit when we feel jealous.  It is neither easy nor comfortable to look within and try to understand why we feel the way we do.  It is also neither easy nor comfortable to confront the behavior of those whose favoritism hurts our feelings or worse – keeps us from living with well-being and peace. 

Who or what provokes your jealousy? 

Jealousy in and of itself is not wrong; it is not a sin to feel what you feel. It’s OK – it’s human – to be jealous at times. 

But, we ought to handle our jealousy with care, to see it is a potential teacher, lest it fester and lead us down a toxic road.   Instead, when you feel jealous, you might try getting curious about what’s going on inside your heart.  

Might a sense of jealousy be provoking what John Welwood (whose work I mentioned at length two weeks ago), suggests – “Not feeling loved and then taking that to heart is the only wound there is.”  That assessment certainly fits the relationships of Joseph and his brothers. 

Fortunately, the most amazing thing can happen when we simply bring loving attention, when we bring compassion, to the pain of jealousy, it begins to fade.     When we look through the lens of love, at our own hurt and at the good fortune of others, something inside us can shift. We can share in the joy of those whose good fortune is not ours. We can keep our minds and hearts open and stay in relationship with people whose blessings are on a different timeline than ours. 

But, there are also dynamics when favoritism isn’t just personal, but systemic – resulting, for example, in racism and sexism. Jealousy that arises when we recognize that some in society have privileges that we don’t,  could also provoke us to courageous action; to try and right systems that unfairly advantage some over others.

Clearly, Jacob’s brothers did not deal with their jealousy in a conscious, healthy way.  They were so blinded by it that they even considered killing their brother. But, they did throw him into a pit and sell him into slavery. (Fortunately most of our jealousies don’t come close to that kind of extreme behavior.)

But, it is easy for jealousy to get the better of us.  And when it does, watch out! Unmanaged jealousy can lead to a constant need for reassurance, suspicion, paranoia, manipulation, unmanageable anger, emotional abuse and even physical abuse. To avoid falling prey to the evils that can come from jealousy, we need to notice and then get curious about our jealous feelings. 

Who or what provokes your jealousy?

In last week’s sermon, I suggested that we can bring those things we wrestle with to God.  Someone who read the sermon in the daily email asked, “What does it mean to bring something you are wrestling with to God?”  

So, this week, I’d like to offer a prayer that demonstrates and gives you an experience of what it looks like to bring our jealous feelings to God.  So for just a moment, bring to mind someone or something that ignites your jealousy.  Now let us unite our hearts in prayer:

Loving God, help us to see the object of our jealousy   as you do, through the lens of love.  Give us the ability to discern the source of our upset. Help us to be grateful for all you give us and all you give others. May feelings of jealousy help us to understand our own needs and brokenness, to find healing and peace. When there is true injustice at work, give us the courage to stand up, speak up and take action for what is right.  May jealousy be our teacher, not our master. Amen.

Image credit: Rob McCord