“Opening the Door to Jesus: A Sermon on Conflict Resolution”

Last month, my 4 ½ year old grandson, Grayson, had an orientation day for his new preschool.  His mother, Britt, was eager to hear how the day went. “Mom! There was a kid at school with potty mouth.  I told the teacher about it and she spoke to the boy.  But, he kept doing it!  And I told her again. And she spoke to him again.  But, he kept doing it.”

A few weeks later, when Grayson came to visit us, he and I went into a shop on Bearskin Neck in Rockport.  He had seen an octopus t-shirt in the window that he loved and I wanted to get it for him. When we got to the counter, the clerk engaged him in conversation.  “What grade are you in?” she asked. “I’m going to preschool.” Then, barely pausing he said, “There is a boy in my class with potty mouth.”

Clearly, Grayson was very upset by this other child’s behavior.  In response, he did what we often do – tell other people about it.  

Now, if you’re 4 ½ and just starting preschool it makes sense to tell the teacher what has upset you. And if the teacher is unable to satisfactorily address the distressing behavior, it makes sense that a 4 ½ year old would continue to be upset and tell others about it. 

The problem is that too many of us never grow out of this approach to conflict.  

It’s a lot easier to talk about the person who has upset us than to talk with them. 

In perhaps one of his most overlooked teachings, Jesus tells us that for the sake of loving relationships, rather than being conflict avoidant, we ought to go directly to the person and express our feelings.

But, this is so hard to do! When our prefrontal cortex is activated a fight/flight/(or)fawn response is triggered.  Because of how we are wired, it is difficult for us to deal with conflict directly, calmly, compassionately, and productively.

The other night, I was having dinner with a dear friend and she shared something that I think is common to many of us.  “Too often when I was younger, “ she said, “if someone upset me I cut them out of my life.” 

Because it is so hard to navigate the tsunami of feelings we experience when someone has hurt us, rather than speak directly to the offending person we often refuse to speak with them at all. 

Why? Expressing our feelings to the one who has hurt us is one of the most vulnerable things we can do – especially if we are unsure whether or not they love and respect us.   We may also worry that the one who has hurt us will not hear or take to heart what we have to say.  We may worry that they might even say more that we don’t want to hear or can’t bear.  Or we may be afraid that the conflict will escalate into an even more unpleasant or even threatening encounter.

The stakes can feel especially high if the person who has hurt us also means a great deal to us (like a parent or a partner) or has authority (like a politician, physician, professor, or even clergy member).  

It is amazing how we can be immobilized emotionally when someone speaks disrespectfully to us (a tactic sometimes used by the powerful to avoid accountability for wrongdoing.)  Especially when our core emotional wound, “Not feeling loved and then taking that to heart” is triggered, the shadow side of our personality can take the reins and instead of responding with love to the other person, we can respond with judgment, anger, fear, or worse, hatred.

So, it is no wonder that we can be reluctant to wade into the waters of conflict resolution. 

But, our reluctance to address difficult feelings not only has individual consequences, it has communal consequences.  There is nothing more toxic in a community, like a church, than someone talking negatively about another person, rather than dealing directly with them. Think about how much energy gets wasted in complaining about someone who has offended us that could be better used in trying to address the hurt.  And would we be where we are as a nation if we could find healthier ways of dealing with our disagreements?

Jesus recognizes the inevitability of conflict – that we sin against each other – intentionally and unintentionally.  And then he lays out a process, a master class, for healing through layers of accountability: one-on-one, a small group, the whole community.

Notice that his guidance isn’t about finding satisfaction for our grievances.  It’s not about one person being right and the other being wrong.  Instead, the goal of addressing our conflicts is restoration of relationship.  It’s about holding each other in love.   

And the good news – that we often fail to see –  is that we don’t have to take this on by ourselves!  Jesus has promised that his spirit will be with us!!  If you take just one thing from this sermon, remember this: Jesus has promised that his spirit can be with us when we address our hurts. We can invite the spirit of Jesus into our difficult conversations.

In 2023, the leaders of our congregation realized that for the sake of building our community we needed to be educated about how to address inevitable conflicts with grace.  We decided to hire Rev. Dr. Betsy Waters, an expert in “Crucial Conversations”. Her insightful teaching led to the development of our church covenant, including an addendum, “Guidelines to Navigate Conflict within our Community.” 

In February of 2024, the congregation adopted the Covenant.  Since then, all new members are asked to to abide by it. After each Annual Meeting, the Committees and ministries of the church are asked to review it – which some, but I suspect not all, have done.  

The Covenant bears a striking resemblance to today’s Gospel passage.  

First, the guidelines advise us how to start navigating conflict: “We begin with prayer.” In other words, remember that the Spirit of God, that Jesus, can be with us- through prayer – as we begin a difficult conversation.  

How often do we actually do this in our daily lives?  When something difficult comes up here or in other places do we remember to pray and ask for God’s spirit, the spirit of Jesus, the Spirit of Love, to be with us? Probably not that often.  So, let’s try something. 

Please close your eyes.  Think about a difficult conversation you need to have with someone – perhaps a conversation you have put off because of how uncomfortable it makes you feel.  

Now visualize yourself sitting in a place where you feel safe with the person you need to speak with.  (pause) Next, imagine Jesus (or another holy figure) sitting with the two of you.  Take a deep breath together and set an intention that the conversation you are about to have will bring you closer to each other and closer to God; it will bring reconciliation and peace.  Know that with Jesus or another holy person sitting with you that you are completely safe to share what is in your heart.  

Now, in silence, take a moment to say to the other person what’s on your heart. See the other person being fully present, listening, and trying to understand what you have said.  Feel the presence of peace. (pause)

Please open your eyes. How was that? Doable?

Now, let’s look at conflict resolution from another perspective. Sometimes we are the one who is being told that what we have said or done has been hurtful.  

This is where another aspect of what Jesus teaches in today’s reading and what our Covenant affirms is so essential: When someone tells us that we have hurt them, we are called to listen. Not to defend our position or refute theirs. Simply, to listen. 

Notice in the Gospel reading how often Jesus repeats a form of the word “listen.” Four times. 

It is crucial that when someone feels hurt by us that we truly try to understand what they are saying to us, rather than being defensive or dismissive.

Our Guidelines to Navigate Conflict says this,  (Number 8) “We will listen with an open, attentive and non-judgmental mind” and (Number 4) “As we discuss different points of view, we will listen for that still-speaking voice, and strive to discern God’s leading.”

Last week, Lindsay urged us to make room for God.  Perhaps there is no more critical time to do this than when we are feeling hurt or upset or when someone tells us that we have hurt them.  It takes practice to remember and then to actually invite God into our conflicts. But, we can do this.  It is possible.  Jesus’ teaching for us today is not “pie in the sky” guidance.  It is not unreachable or unattainable. We just need to do it. 

Pastor Steve Garnaas-Holmes, summarizes Jesus’ teaching about conflict this way:

If someone hurts you, go toward them, not away, and name the hurt.

Neither hide nor retaliate, even politely: simply, gently tell the truth.

Claim your part of it, even if just to receive it, and to give them access to their part of it.

Not to nail them, not to relieve yourself, but because you love them.

Be prepared to listen— to their journey, and to your own.

Think of it as opening a door to a place neither of you have gone before, and can’t without the other.

Think of it as opening the door to that Jesus place.

Imagine how refreshing the air would be in a community of open, caring honesty,

without that hidden bucket of hurts fermenting under the kitchen sink.

In the dark places where our hurts lie 

is the tomb from which Christ rises, alive,

the very Christ who, wherever two or three are gathered in his love, 

is among us. 

For the sake of healthy and loving relationships, for the sake of our community, for the sake of our country, may we take to heart this teaching and live it. Amen.